{"title":"Secret Merch","description":"","products":[{"product_id":"croc-star-s-imitation-versace-bathrobe","title":"Croc Star’s Imitation Versace Bathrobe","description":"\u003cp style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eCroc Star’s Imitation Versace Bathrobe\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr aria-hidden=\"true\"\u003e \u003cb\u003eRare Artifact\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr aria-hidden=\"true\"\u003e \u003cb\u003eType: Cloth Armor, Personal Significance\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left;\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eYou look terrible in this thing, and you should actively feel bad for wearing this. The hideous clash of black and golds is jarring, and instead of expensive, Italian imported silk, this thing is made from the same cheap terrycloth material they use for hotel washcloths. And not nice hotels. The kind of hotel you pay for by the month. This thing is one step above a burlap bag. I would feel bad for you if this wasn’t so hilarious.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left;\"\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis definitely-not-Versace bathrobe comes in ominous void-black, trimmed with baroque-inspired sleeve edging and absolutely covered in Eldritch googly eyes, ensuring you are \u003ci\u003enever\u003c\/i\u003e alone and you can always see your enemies coming… even when they’re behind you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe front sports a carefully curated collection of retro throwback patches, each one personally ironed on by James Hunter while hunched over his kitchen counter, questioning his life choices and muttering obscenities at an uncooperative iron. This is craftsmanship. Don’t ask follow-up questions.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003eTurn it around and \u003ci\u003eboom\u003c\/i\u003e, a custom Discount Dan’s Backroom Bargains patch featuring Croc, the real star of the show in all his mimic glory. Perfect for lounging, scheming, or fending off Progenerated nightmares that thought you looked defenseless in your pajamas. Plus, it’s real comfy.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Discount Dan's Backroom Bargains","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":42426470203486,"sku":null,"price":50.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0599\/8116\/8734\/files\/CrocStar_sRobe-Front.png?v=1769532019"},{"product_id":"discount-dan-mythic-grade-hoodie","title":"Discount Dan Mythic-Grade Hoodie","description":"This retro throwback hoodie is perfect for those who want to escape our nightmarish reality and return to a simpler age. Back before everyone had a supercomputer riding shotgun in their pocket. Back when we drank from garden hoses, collecting Beanie Babies seemed like a realistic retirement strategy, and dying of dysentery on the Oregon Trail was always a possibility.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nFeaturing all new artwork from the Deluxe Kickstarter Edition of Discount Dan, this thing is loud, brash, and about as subtle as a brick to the teeth. But it’s also cool AF, and all of your friends will secretly be jealous. Especially the HOA President. “Yeah, Gary, I am rocking this badass hoodie, so what?” Plus, it’s as eye-searingly bright as a road flare, so no one is ever gonna lose you in a crowd again.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• Soft, cotton-feel fabric outside and brushed fleece inside\u003cbr\u003e\n• Unisex relaxed fit with drop shoulders\u003cbr\u003e\n• Double-lined hood\u003cbr\u003e\n• Moon patch on the inside of the back\u003cbr\u003e\n• Tear-away care label \u003cbr\u003e\n• Premium drawstrings and zipper with metal details\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"Discount Dan's Backroom Bargains","offers":[{"title":"2XS","offer_id":43069444980830,"sku":"4114701_18522","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XS","offer_id":43069445013598,"sku":"4114701_18523","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S","offer_id":43069445046366,"sku":"4114701_18524","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M","offer_id":43069445079134,"sku":"4114701_18525","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L","offer_id":43069445111902,"sku":"4114701_18526","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL","offer_id":43069445144670,"sku":"4114701_18527","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL","offer_id":43069445177438,"sku":"4114701_18528","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL","offer_id":43069445210206,"sku":"4114701_18529","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL","offer_id":43069445242974,"sku":"4114701_18530","price":64.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"5XL","offer_id":43069445275742,"sku":"4114701_18531","price":64.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"6XL","offer_id":43069445308510,"sku":"4114701_18532","price":64.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0599\/8116\/8734\/files\/all-over-print-recycled-unisex-zip-hoodie-white-front-6a6a524cd006b.jpg?v=1785352878"}],"url":"https:\/\/discountdan.shop\/collections\/secret-merch.oembed","provider":"Discount Dan's Backroom Bargains","version":"1.0","type":"link"}